Phase One: Two Become One
When we fall in love, there is so much newness and discovery that it’s very easy to feel like ‘two become one’, you feel you have so much in common! It’s just like the fairy-tales and you feel that you really will ‘live happily ever after’!!!
This is the ‘symbiotic’ phase of a relationship. It’s a very important part and builds a strong foundation.
Symbiosis or Fusion?
However, inevitably, you start to realise that two have not become one, two are still two. The cracks start to appear, your differences are more obvious and unsettling. I call this the ‘aargh’ phase of a relationship.
The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!
Why is our society so sexually screwed-up?
Basically, it’s because we’ve had two to three thousand years of sexual suppression.
During these millennia two very damaging myths have been held as truths in western society:
For generations we raised our girl children to think they’re not sexual, that they shouldn’t be sexual, and if they were sexual - stoning or burning them to death or locking them away in insane asylums. Women didn’t have a chance to explore their sexuality, and neither did their partners.
So, with no alternative, when a man married he basically kept on doing with his wife what he’d been doing with himself for years - masturbating. Since puberty the adolescent boy had been stroking his penis as fast as he could until he ejaculated. So when he got a female partner, not knowing any better, he kept doing that inside her.
Essentially men were masturbating inside their wives.
A couple who had been regular clients for most of the year finished their time with me recently. At their final session they told me they realized they were 'fixed' because they'd been out to dinner and found themselves happily talking about their sex life as though it was a normal part of life…. read more...
I find people's views on sex fascinating, even after over eight thousand hours of talking to people in detail about their sex lives! There's so much diversity around what we think of as “normal” or “abnormal” - far more diversity than you'd think if you based it on the media or general opinion.
I could go on and on about the range of opinions people have about what “normal” is.
But in my considerable experience as a Sex Therapist I’ve discovered that the idea of “normal” has little basis in anything other than what people themselves have experienced in their own lives.
Interestingly, whether they think that their own experience is normal or abnormal seems to be based more on their level of self-esteem than anything else:
Sex is one of the great forms of human self-expression. It's a place where creativity, physical movement, pleasure and joy can manifest, just like the other forms of human expression - music, art, design, dance, cooking, sport, even writing. read more...
Humans love watching people have sex. The voyeuristic elements of sex have been part of human sexuality as far back as recorded history goes, and probably beyond. Erotic art is found around the world from all eras. Even in sexually repressed periods such as Victorian England there was a flourishing trade in postcards of nudes and amazing little paper contraptions that mimicked the sex act. In present times, there wouldn't be too many men around who, as a teenager, didn’t have girlie magazines stuffed under their mattress, which their girlfriends also looked at in fascination.
And now we have a proliferation of porn on the Internet. So is this good or bad? read more...
Being a sex geek, I am both trained as a scientist yet explore areas more likely to be considered mystical - particularly in the area of sexual pleasure. I myself have ecstatic experiences and blissful states that are quite different and far more pleasurable than what is considered 'normal sex', and I have spoken with many people who also have them, and have helped many others discover these possibilities too.
I am not exaggerating when I say that 'normal' sex is to this type of sex what a fast food hamburger is to gourmet cooking (keeping in mind that sometimes a hamburger is just fine, and you don’t have to like fine food). read more...
There’s a myth perpetuating in our society that men are “naturally” more promiscuous than women. One of the reasons given for this is that men have evolved to “sow their seed widely” so as to have more children and therefore ensure the continuity of their genes.
I'm never sure whether to pull my hair out in frustration or laugh at the ludicrousness of such as suggestion, which I hear so often, even from intelligent thoughtful people.
The fact is that the “sow seed widely” form of reproduction is generally only practiced by the lower orders of animals, such as amphibians and fish and coral. In these species the female lays huge quantities of eggs, which hatch into offspring, most of which don’t survive until reproductive age. The males conversely, have to spread huge amounts of sperm around, to catch the widely scattered eggs.
Just because all the media hype promotes thin people as being “sexier” doesn’t mean it’s true. Even if they were sexier, it doesn’t mean they have better sex than people with a bit more flesh on them.
I mean, do you prefer your lover built for comfort or for speed?
I remember a party I was at in my 20’s, talking to another woman who was a little on the plump side - rather voluptuous. She was bemoaning how unattractive she was and wishing she were thin like me: “Because men like thin women”. “Rubbish!” I replied – and went on to prove it by asking every young man in the room whose figure they preferred, hers or mine. read more...
- The Three Phases of Conscious Relationship Evolution
- Allow Self-Indulgence
- Are You Relationship-Oriented?
- Tantra: Sex Through Non-Sex
- A Multitude of Orgasmic Possibilities
- Sink In to Sync In
- Penises - does size really matter?
- A History of Sexual Misinformation
- The Adolescent Male Masturbatory Model of Sex
- Merge Sex & Love Energies for Potent Connection
- Sex is a Normal Part of Life
- We Judge ‘Normal’ Sex Based on Our Own Experiences
- How Do I Love Thee? Let me count the ways...
- Project 'Great Sex'
- Beforeplay Suggestions
to my LOVELIFE blog for regular inspiration on sex, love and intimacy!