Can you makeover your sex life?
Of course you can! That’s what I’m all about.
Essentially a makeover is when you realise you’re not living up to your potential in some area of life and you set about changing that. Many people simply accept their “lot” in life, excusing even the possibility of change with beliefs that: “I’m too old”, “I’m too poor”, “I’m too whatever”. Other people realise that we have agency to create our own lives, so it’s up to us to choose to be however we want to be. This applies as much to sex as any other part of life.
The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!
There's a beautiful quote from Anais Nin:
There came a day when the flower realized that the pain of remaining tight in a bud was greater than the risk of opening up and blossoming.
That's how people often feel about their sexuality before they come to see me. They can't bear being a tight bud any more, they can no longer deny their need to blossom. It's what I love in this work, whether it's with private clients or in the group workshops, people start to tap into their true selves and to allow themselves to be who they really are and express themselves honestly and openly.
The fairy tales got it wrong. Two do not become one and live happily ever after. Two halves do not make a whole. Rather, two complete people come together and form a third entity, their coupledom. You, me and us. Not just us.
'Two becoming one' is co-dependence. Two becoming three - two self-reliant individuals and a strong bond as a couple - that's what gives security and freedom in life.
There are some old sexual myths of men being “naturally promiscuous” to sow their seed, and women being “naturally monogamous” because it’s “natural” for a woman to be less sexual and on closer examination these myths have no basis in fact. The former because it is a misuse of evolutionary theory and the latter because it is based on historical suppression of women’s sexuality not their biological reality. (See A History of Sexual Misinformation for more on this.) read more...
Have you ever had a gigglegasm?
Do you even know what a gigglegasm is? read more...
Over my years of clinical and academic involvement in sexuality (not to mention countless hours of personal ‘research’) I have identified seven underlying elements to our sexuality.
These elements are all essential to having a strong, healthy, integrated sexuality. If you are weak in any of them, your sexuality will be out of balance.
These elements are also developmental, each element includes and transcends the ones before. If you jump ahead before you’ve developed and integrated the earlier elements, that too will cause your sexuality to be out of balance. read more...
I see a lot of couples who like sex, but somehow they're just not getting around to it.
The higher-desire person is perplexed as to why the lower-desire person doesn’t want sex more often, especially when both parties clearly enjoy it once they actually get around to doing it. And the lower-desire person is confused as to why they find it so hard to have sex when it’s generally not so bad, even brilliant, when they actually do get around to doing it.
And sometimes it's not that there's a higher and lower desire person, they'd both like the idea of it, but it's not happening...
I point out to them that having sex can often be like getting to the gym – you know it’s good for you, you know you’ll enjoy it while you’re there, you know you’ll feel better for doing it, but … it’s still hard to get there in the first place! read more...
Desire is a wonderful thing. Intensity is not.
When you desire without intensity, when you open yourself to your partner and invite them in, that is enticing. That will attract them.
But, some people have a more direct approach, and that might not always be appealing to the partner. Some people come on too strong right from the first approach, and others try harder and harder if they feel they’re not getting the response they want.
If your partner isn’t responding as enthusiastically as you might hope for when you express your desire for them, it’s understandable that you might try harder. Unfortunately, that tends to come across as intensity and often causes your partner to back further away and be less forthcoming. So, you try harder and harder… until you give up. Then you back off completely and offer your partner nothing. It’s kind of like: “If you’re not going to play with me, then I don’t want to play with you!” Which is about as mature as the childish tone implies.
When you feel sexy, you are sexy.
Notice that I say when you feel sexy, not when you look sexy. You might also look sexy, but the important thing is that you feel sexy.
Just looking sexy is a superficial thing. You can try all you like with the latest fashions, gym workouts or even cosmetic surgery to look sexy. Until you feel sexy though, you won’t be sexy.
I was in session with a couple recently, looking at some challenging aspects of their relationship, when one of them said: ‘I guess you have to wade through your shit to get the insights to make change…’ and I responded with: ‘You’re not wading through it, you’re composting it!’.
They loved the analogy! And it’s a good one. We’ve all got our shit – defences, traumas, fears, confusions, resentments - that has accumulated over our history. If you don’t deal with it, it ferments and turns bad. But if you do deal with it, you are composting it, turning it into fertilizer for new growth. read more...
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