The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

What’s Your Eroticism - Intimate, Wild, Fun?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Have sex that is intimate - gentle, deep and tender:

Go ahead – stare into each others eyes while barely moving. Make love ever so slowly. Stroke every inch of your partner’s body. Whisper poetry in her ear. Visualise a bond of energy joining your hearts. Alternate four short strokes with one slow and long. Sigh and moan and quiver and shiver. Make blissful love!

Have sex that is erotic - wild, lusty and wicked:
Go ahead - bring out the handcuffs and tie yourselves up, tie yourselves down. Wear crotchless leather knickers and 10-inch stilettos. Talk dirty to each other. Drip candle wax on each other’s skin. Play slave and master. Take explicit photos of yourselves. Yell and groan and bite and growl. Let loose and fuck!

Have sex that is playful – exuberant, mischievous and outrageous:
Go ahead – dress up as a French maid and tickle him with your feather duster while he plays dead. Smear each other with strawberry jam and lick it off. Pour champagne over yourselves. Stop the car and have sex on the side of the road. Do it by an open window where you might be seen or heard. Be silly, giggle and fall down laughing. Have a good bonk!

And, of course, you can make love and fuck and bonk all in the same bout of love-making. It’s all possible. All of it.

The Man Leads, the Woman Embellishes

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, January 06, 2015

A professional ballroom and Latin dancer told me this the other day. I was curious as to how the man, who is leading the dance, could instruct the woman, who is following, how to do all the fancy bits. read more...

Plugging In - Sex Without Movement

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Have you ever tried having sex without any intention to orgasm? Without even moving?

Try it, in fact try it regularly – just lie together, penis inside vagina, and do nothing.

That’s it.

Not much to it really.

If Sex Hurts, Change What You’re Doing

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Can I make this very clear?


If it does hurt, change what you’re doing.

Just to be even clearer. I’m not talking about consensual pain, which some people like and are perfectly entitled to like. I’m not talking about what for some people is a turn on.  read more...

Some Words for the Lower Desire Partner

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Whether you feel bad about it or good about it, if you’re the lower desire partner (LDP) you have a major impact on how often and how well the two of you have sex. I get at least as many heterosexual couples where the man has the lower level of desire as the woman, so it’s not just “a problem that women have” and in same-sex couples there's always a difference too.

Subtle Shifts to Great Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, December 31, 2013

If you look at all the other sex advice sites on the Internet you’d think the secret to great sex was only through sex toys. If you read the advice in popular magazines you’d think the secret to great sex was only through being in some fabulous position. And if you read the advice in the endless spam that gets past your email junk folder, you’d think it was only in some little blue pill. read more...

Planning for Pleasure

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, December 03, 2013

If you want a good night out, do you tend to plan it in advance or decide on the spur of the moment? If you’re playing sport, do you have your trainings and matches planned in advance, or do you just play whenever the whim takes you (and hope that everyone else involved is interested and available too)?

I imagine you’d say in both cases that you plan in advance, that you schedule those enjoyable activities.

So why not schedule sex?

How Often Should We Have Sex?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, October 08, 2013

This is one of those ‘am I normal’ type questions that I’m always asked. The answer to the question: How often is normal? Is simply: Whatever is right for you.

So the question you should be asking is: How often is right for us?

If neither of you want to ever have sex, that’s fine, because that’s right for you. If you both want to have sex twice a day, terrific! That’s what’s right for you. read more...

Know Your Sexual Rhythm

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, September 24, 2013

How often do you like to have sex? Are you into a daily morning quickie, or are you happy to wait for weeks until the perfect time arises and you can have hours of quality love-making? Do you like to have sex at fairly regularly spaced intervals, or do you tend to have a few sessions close together and then you’re done for a while?

Or don’t you know?

Obligation Sex is Self-Imposed Low-Level Sexual Trauma

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, July 23, 2013

There is a school of thought that says women should ‘just do it’. The implication being that sex really isn’t that important, it’s easy to lie there and get it over with - I guess the idea is that you can just plan the shopping list or something while he gets his necessary sexual release (as if he doesn’t have two hands available).

I find that approach abhorrent on so many levels. Most obviously, men don’t actually want obligation sex. Radical concept to some perhaps, but men actually want their partners to enjoy sex too. (Hmm, maybe men aren’t just animalist creatures wanting to get their end in?)

Less obviously, but more importantly: sex is not just sex. The vagina is exquisitely linked to a woman’s brain, her self-worth, her creativity, her joie de vivre. For her to feel good about herself and about life she needs to treat her vagina well.

A vagina that engages in gorgeous, desirable, satisfying love-making will make her owner feel wonderful. A vagina that engages in unwanted, unprepared sex (slapping on some lube is not preparation) will not make her owner feel good. The vagina is being subjected to low-level trauma and so the woman is being subjected to low-level trauma. She will feel resentful, irritated, frustrated, used (sound familiar?). When a woman feels like this it goes inward, so she feels bad about herself and life in general; all because she’s ‘just doing it’ and putting out because for some reason she thinks she ‘should’.

Say ‘no’ to obligation sex and say ‘yes’ to desired sex, sex that is good for your vagina and good for you!


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