I’m going to talk about solo sex.
That’s right, masturbation, wanking, self-pleasuring, or as they refer to it in the ancient Taoist sexual tracts, self-cultivation. Why is this? Because the ability to self-pleasure is an important aspect of sexual empowerment and sexual development.
Unfortunately, it has had a bad rap over recent centuries. It has been seen as something unpleasant, even sinful, and so done furtively and secretly. I mean, when was the last time you had in-depth conversations with your friends on your favorite masturbatory techniques? Or as an adolescent did your parents encourage you to self-pleasure to explore your budding sexuality? I doubt it. Which is a shame, because it would have made a positive difference to your experience of sex. read more...
The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!
1 May 2019
Today I am 55 years of age. It feels somehow special. I feel I’ve ‘arrived’ at a new stage somehow. I didn’t feel this when I turned 50, although that was significant too. Fifty-five feels strong, wise, powerful.
I woke up with the phrase 'Own the Crone' going through my mind.
It comes from the three classical stages of woman: maiden, mother and crone.
It’s the ‘maiden’, the young woman, who has been considered the most desirable, the most sexual in our society. We glorify youth, the beauty, the vibrancy of the young. That’s what’s considered sexually desirable.
The ‘mother’ phase of a woman’s life, well, this has been when she’s considered the most ‘useful’ – as long as she has children of course, god forbid if she didn’t and remained a ‘spinster’. But was she sexual? Ah, no.
And as for the crone, that dried up older woman. What use is she? She’s past it, a post-menopausal has-been.
Hardly! I’ve never felt more confident, more capable, healthier or more sexually juiced up in my life! So, I’m coming out loud and proud about my age to be a beacon of inspiration for women of all ages. read more...
For centuries we had the Madonna - Whore polarity, good girl versus bad girl: bad girls put out, good girls are virtuous. You fuck the whore but not your pure, chaste wife. Female sexuality was only there to serve men's sexuality: the good girls provided offspring and the bad girls provided pleasure - and never the twain would meet.
Then that ridiculous notion changed with the sexual revolution of the 1960’s and 70’s. Finally we believed that sex was good and we should like sex - hip hip hooray, sexual freedom and liberation for all!!!
But has it really changed? read more...
“When one is pretending, the whole body revolts”.
This is a brilliant quote by the early 20th century erotic author Anais Nin. What it means is: when people pretend during sex, when it's an act rather than true expression, then over time their body (and soul) revolts.
The standard approach to sex is rather like a three course meal, it proceeds in set stages: you kiss a bit, fondle a bit (maybe give her an orgasm), then have vigorous intercourse until he comes. The End.
It’s not a bad model for sex, but it’s limited, and can get pretty boring over time.
I suggest you take a less lineal approach to sex and think of it less like a three-course meal and more like a picnic. At a picnic everything is available in front of you and you can pick and choose whatever you want, in whatever quantity, at whatever pace, and in whatever order you please. read more...
What is your bedroom like? Is it a relaxing and rejuvenating place separate from the cares of the world?
When you walk into your bedroom, do you go “Aaahh!” and smile because you feel more restful just being there?
Is your bedroom a sanctuary that you can chill out together in? read more...
No, I’m not talking about getting your knickers off!
I’m talking about talking about your sex. That in itself can be sexy and extend the deliciousness of the sexual interaction. It’s also the only way you’re going to give each other quality feedback. read more...
You can tell when a woman is really aroused: her face glazes over.
She’ll feel kind of “stoned” or “love drunk” on the inside and she’ll look it on the outside.
At that point her brain is switching off (or at least, the left “logical” side of her brain), and her speech centres shut down so she can’t really talk. It’s quite an altered state of consciousness. read more...
Can you makeover your sex life?
Of course you can! That’s what I’m all about.
Essentially a makeover is when you realise you’re not living up to your potential in some area of life and you set about changing that. Many people simply accept their “lot” in life, excusing even the possibility of change with beliefs that: “I’m too old”, “I’m too poor”, “I’m too whatever”. Other people realise that we have agency to create our own lives, so it’s up to us to choose to be however we want to be. This applies as much to sex as any other part of life.
There's a beautiful quote from Anais Nin:
There came a day when the flower realized that the pain of remaining tight in a bud was greater than the risk of opening up and blossoming.
That's how people often feel about their sexuality before they come to see me. They can't bear being a tight bud any more, they can no longer deny their need to blossom. It's what I love in this work, whether it's with private clients or in the group workshops, people start to tap into their true selves and to allow themselves to be who they really are and express themselves honestly and openly.
- Solo Sex: Mindful Masturbation
- Own the Crone
- Porn Star vs Prude
- “When One is Pretending, the Whole Body Revolts”
- Non-Linear Love-Making: the Picnic Approach to Sex
- Your Bedroom As Sanctuary
- Sexy Debriefing
- Getting "Love Drunk"
- Make-Over Your Sex Life
- Be Real, Express Freely
- The Fairy Tales Got It Wrong
- Are Humans Naturally Monogamous - and if not, what does that mean?
- Evolve with the Seven Elements of Sexuality
- Getting to Sex can be like getting to the Gym
to my LOVELIFE blog for regular inspiration on sex, love and intimacy!