The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!


Q&A: My Husband Is Having An Affair and I'm Relieved

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, January 19, 2020



From my column in Body+Soul

Question
: I’ve recently discovered my husband is having an affair. But I’m not upset about it – I’m glad. Glad because I haven’t fancied my husband for years, and this affair means the pressure to have sex has ended. Our love life was good at the start. Three children later though, and the chemistry just isn’t there.

Why don’t I leave him? I like our life together. He makes me laugh, he’s kind, and brilliant with our kids. We live in a nice house and have a buzzing social life. I don’t see why I need to end a perfectly good marriage just because I don’t find him sexually attractive. And I’m not prepared to wreck all our lives for the sake of his bit on the side.

I do feel uneasy though. I’m worried that he might admit his affair (and I’d have no idea how to react), or even worse, fall in love and want to leave the marriage himself.

So, what’s my best move here – do I keep looking the other way? Or do I talk to him and work out a new ‘arrangement’ that keeps our marriage solid but our sex lives separate?
 read more...



Q&A: How Do I Flex My New Found Interest in Sex?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, December 22, 2019



From my column in Body+Soul

Question:
I want to reinvent my sex life in 2020, really take it by the balls, so to speak. I’m married and in my mid 30s. My husband is a good lover but until recently I’ve been quite conservative in the bedroom, so it’s not like I've asked much of him! We don’t have kids yet and I’d love to get a bit wild with him before that all happens. This new desire started when we discovered a fantastic vibrator that gave me firework orgasms, and now I’m thinking about what else I’m missing out on. How do I flex my newfound interest in sex? read more...



Intercourse as Foreplay

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, December 15, 2019



Foreplay is generally seen as what you do before you get to intercourse, to prepare yourselves (especially the woman) to be ready to receive “penetration” by the man. Intercourse is seen as a vigorous activity consisting of the man thrusting into the woman, or less frequently, the woman bouncing around on the man.

 read more...



Q&A: Fun in the Sun - How to Have Safe Holiday Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, December 08, 2019



From my column in Body+Soul
Question: I’m single for the first time in 10 years. I’m over the heartbreak, and now I’m ready to have some fun – specifically, some fun on holiday. I’m going with some other single friends to a resort in Bali this summer. But I’m also prone to UTIs in summer, and I’m desperate to make sure that doesn’t happen on holiday and ruin my good time. What can I do to protect myself? And what are the other golden rules for healthy holiday sex?
 read more...



Bake Your Cake Before You Ice It

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, December 01, 2019

 Photo by Jill Wellington from Pexels

I love using food metaphors
when educating and inspiring people around sexuality. We understand the variety, the flavours, the processes and ingredients – from simple to complex - when it comes to food. So, it is with sex too.

One of my most important food analogies is that great sex is non-linear, more like a picnic than a three-course meal. More recently I wrote about ‘relationship vitamins’, all the little things that are needed to make a relationship strong and healthy and sexy.

Today I’d like to use the metaphor of a cake and icing (frosting for my North American readers). Icing is sweet and delicious, but on its own, it’s too sweet and is sickly rather than tasty. Icing is only good when it’s on a cake. When you have a delicious cake, and then you ice it – mmm, yummy scrummy! read more...



Q&A: Is It Normal to Want Sex Twice A Day?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, November 24, 2019



From my column in Body+Soul

Question: Hoping you can shed some light. Two months ago I decided to end a wonderful relationship, due to my partner's desire to have sex twice a day. He told me this is normal for him, and that he had it like that in his last two long-term relationships. It all came to a head when he told me he wasn’t ready for us to live together and be defacto. I felt I was being sexually used, and called it quits. But we still love one another and talk regularly and have huge chemistry between us. Can you help me? Is it normal in your 50s to be wanting sex twice a day, and how can we find a compromise?  read more...



How Has Sex Helped You Grow - Research Participants Wanted!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, November 17, 2019



I’ve just received final approval for my research project – hooray- and now I need couples to be my research participants.

The fancy, academic title for my research is:

The transformative potential of optimal sexuality within a relational context.


What this means in everyday language is:

Does having a great sex life develop you as a couple and as individuals, and if so, howread more...



Q&A: How Do I Meet My Sexual Needs in a Sexless Marriage?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, November 10, 2019


From my column in Body+Soul
Question: I'm just turned 60 and have been married over 35 years to a very good lady who loves me, but over the years has lost interest in sex. These days, she would happily have no sex at all, and so my advances are almost entirely rebuffed. The problem is I can’t find release myself – I’m not able to masturbate (perhaps my Catholic upbringing has locked in some guilt that stops me). My question has two parts: Is having regular erections without release bad for my health (eg my prostate)? And then… what can I do? If I can’t change my wife’s mind or learn to self-pleasure, I’m afraid I’ll start looking outside my marriage.
 read more...



Optimal Sexuality - Reaching Your Sexual Potential

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, November 02, 2019


 

I am really interested in human sexual potential. What is truly great sex? And why should we aim for it?

Well, most sexological research seems to have been focused more on quantity than quality. There’s a big focus on functioning genitals, with the assumption that if he’s erect and she’s lubricating, well, off you go then, that’s all you need for sex.

More recently there is more attention placed on pleasure, which is great, but again, it tends to focus on quantity rather than quality. How many orgasms are we having and how big are they?

But I work a lot with people who do have functioning genitals and satisfactory orgasms, yet they still say there’s something missing, that there’s got to be more. And yes, there is! I believe our human sexual potential has a lot more to do with depth and transcendence than in functioning genitals and quantifiable orgasms. read more...



Q&A: How Do I Get My Mojo Back?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, October 28, 2019

 
From my column in Body+Soul
Question:
I am 45 years old and have been single for 8 years since my marriage ended – I’ve been so busy raising my two kids and working it wasn’t really an issue. But now I want back in the dating game. I hate the fact that if I died tomorrow my ex-husband would be my last sexual partner. Question is… how on earth do I do it? Dating sites just don't do it for me, they seem too risky. I don’t have any physical issues, but I’m aware my body isn’t what it used to be. So how do I get my confidence back? I’m not necessarily looking for a relationship - just some action!
 read more...



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