Download Audio: Live in the "Simmer Zone"
When you’re living in what I call the “simmer zone” you’re feeling loved up and connected. In this space sex is both less important as you’re already feeling so good together yet also easier because you are feeling so good together! It’s a wonderful paradox that normally does lead to regular quality lovemaking throughout life.
Let me recap my ‘thermostat’ model of relating in case you’re not familiar with it, so that this term makes sense. It’s how I conceptualise sex and intimacy in a committed relationship.
Imagine you each have a thermostat of connection, which indicates how connected you are feeling. Zero degrees (this is Celsius for the Americans reading this) is being disconnected, because your mind is elsewhere, you’re not focused on your partner; and 100 degrees is in the throes of glorious lovemaking, ultimate connection.
Now, you don’t want to get physically intimate, and certainly not genitally intimate, until you are at least at 70 degrees. You need to already be ‘simmering’. That is, you need to be feeling good about each other, feeling connected, with no bad feeling between you and in a good space yourself. It’s beyond being good teammates in the logistics of life, those are the lower temperatures of the thermostat; it’s beyond feeling like good friends who really like each other, which are the middle temperatures of the thermostat; it’s getting into that ‘lover’ zone, where you’re really sharing your love energy that’s been potentized by your vital life force sexual energy. There’s a palpable, positive energy between you, one that goes beyond just “I love you” to “Mmm, I love you!”.
If you’re not in the simmer zone you’re not ready for sex, not physically, emotionally, relationally, spiritually. You might still be able to do it, but it won’t feel great. It might be functional, you might hit some quantitative KPIs, but probably it will feel disconnected, lonely, and even invasive.
So, learn to get into and stay in the simmer zone!
It starts from the moment you wake up and have a positive interaction. It’s all the micro-connections, what I call ‘relationship vitamins’ – the smiles, glances, touches, positive comments throughout the day. It’s creating spaces in your life where you can enjoy each other’s company, from a daily chat over a cup of tea or glass of wine, through to shared hobbies, dates and trips away together. It’s about actively and consciously investing in your relationship so that it stays strong and connected. And it’s about learning to manage challenges so they don’t blow up, and learning to repair well when they do.
To live in the simmer zone, you need to learn the skills to be relational and hone those skills. Then you’ll find that you’re investing in your relationship and creating a great love life, all life through and all life long!
Explore Jacqueline’s online courses and choose the pathway that speaks to where you are now.
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Reconnect with your sensuality, confidence and pleasure, and embrace the fullness of who you are as a sexual being.
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Jacqueline's regular column on Substack
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