Download Audio: Why Does Sex Hurt? Common Causes of Painful Sex (And What You Can Do About It)
Can I make something very clear?
Sex should not hurt. Not ever.
(I’m not talking about consensual pain that some people enjoy as part of their sexual play. That’s an entirely different conversation.)
I’m talking about the kind of pain that makes you tense up, grit your teeth, push through, or quietly hope it will get better.
It won’t. Pain is your body’s way of saying that something isn’t right. Rather than trying to ignore it, listen to it.
Start with a Medical Check-Up
Pain during sex can sometimes have a medical cause, so it’s important to see your GP or gynaecologist if intercourse has become painful.
Possible causes include:
Treating any underlying medical condition is an important first step.
But many women I see have already been told, “Everything looks normal.” That doesn’t mean the pain isn’t real.
Sometimes It’s Simply About Mechanics
One surprisingly common cause of painful intercourse is that the couple’s bodies simply don’t fit together comfortably in every position.
If the man has a longer penis and the woman has a shorter vagina, deep thrusting positions may cause discomfort.
Fortunately, this is usually easy to address by experimenting with different positions and angles.
For example:
A small adjustment can sometimes make a remarkable difference.
Most Often, She’s Just Not Ready
This is probably the most common reason I see for painful sex.
The couple moves to intercourse before the woman’s body is genuinely ready.
Our culture tends to present sex as a simple sequence:
Kissing → Touching → A little foreplay →Intercourse.
But real lovemaking doesn’t follow a script.
A woman’s body needs time to become fully aroused. Not just lubricated, actually ready.
When she’s truly ready, she doesn’t simply tolerate the penis entering her. She wants it, she actively welcomes it.
If intercourse begins before that point, discomfort and pain become much more likely.
Slow Down
One of the best things you can do for your sex life is letting go of the idea that intercourse is the goal.
Ironically, the less pressure there is to “get there”, the more likely your body is to relax and become receptive.
Take your time.
Explore.
Laugh.
Pause.
Touch.
Breathe.
Stay with what feels good rather than rushing towards what you think should happen next.
Good lovemaking is not a race.
The Conditions Matter
Painful sex often has very little to do with the bedroom itself.
Ask yourself:
The body responds to the whole context.
Creating warmth, safety and relaxation often begins long before anyone takes their clothes off.
Gentle Is Better Than Fast
If there is tenderness around the entrance to the vagina, the way the penis enters can make a significant difference.
Slow, gentle entry allows the vagina time to soften, relax and accommodate the penis. Use plenty of lubricant if you find that helps.
Once the penis is inside, don’t feel you need to start moving immediately. Simply resting together for a few moments can allow both bodies to relax and connect before movement begins.
Sometimes the smallest changes make the biggest difference.
Strength and Softness
A healthy pelvic floor isn’t simply strong. It’s responsive. It knows how to contract, and it knows how to let go.
Learning to both strengthen and relax your pelvic floor muscles can improve comfort, awareness and pleasure during sex.
Like the rest of sexuality, it’s not about effort. It’s about responsiveness.
A Relational Perspective
Painful sex isn’t simply a physical problem to overcome.
It’s often your body’s way of asking for something different:
Rather than asking, “How do we get through intercourse?”, I encourage couples to ask, “What would help us both feel more relaxed, connected and ready?”
When we create those conditions, comfortable and pleasurable intercourse often follows naturally.
And remember, intercourse is only one way of expressing intimacy.
Real lovemaking is about two people creating connection and pleasure together—not achieving a particular sexual act.
Explore Jacqueline’s online courses and choose the pathway that speaks to where you are now.
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Jacqueline's regular column on Substack
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